I am on a stage. A bright lines shines on me from afar and blinds me. I squint and turn my head slightly to see hundreds of people in an audience staring at me. Each and every one of them has their mouths open in a shocked expression. I look down and my heart stops.
I am naked.
Ahhh, the “naked on a stage” dream. I’m sure many of us have experienced it. I know that I have. As writers, I feel that we have that same vulnerability when we share our writing. It is that moment of nakedness where we are in our simplest and most purest form. We are able to put into writing our innermost thoughts and emotions. We may fear the judgment of our readers or maybe we fear disappointing them. Whatever the reason, every writer at one moment or another has feared.
Why do we do this? Why are we so anxious to share our thoughts with others as writers, but yet so scared to do so? I was responding to a fellow blogger today regarding writing as a child and I had an epiphany. When I was a young girl, possibly twelve or thirteen, I loved to write. I would write stories in my notebook and even began to write a “novel”. From what I remember, I got pretty far in it. One day, I took my journal over to my best friend’s house for a sleepover. Unknowingly to me, I forgot my journal at her house. Several weeks later, my friend called me and in our conversation, she casually mentioned that she found my journal and that she and her friend were reading my story. She said it in a judgmental way and I was mortified. That moment was one of my “naked on stage” moments as a young writer.
I never thought about it until today, but that was the last time that I wrote for enjoyment. Of course I wrote academic writing in school and in college, but I only began writing for enjoyment and others to read a few months ago.
Is it possible that that experience how long ago has scarred me unknowingly for all of these years? I’m sure that self-doubt and lack of self-esteem in general has added to the fears, but this may have as well.
What are your fears as a writer? Why do you have them or what caused them? I’d love to hear from you!
On my third day of journal writing, I have decided to ditch the journal along with the advice of the writing gurus and just write.
So here it is.
I am getting ready to embark on writing a novel and as I had absolutely not the foggiest on how to begin, I am slowly begin to develop a game plan. I think.
And as this process formulates within me, I am still dealing with this immense fear of sharing my writing with others. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to share my private thoughts. Maybe I don’t want to be criticized. So why the hell am I writing a blog and have aspirations of writing a novel? Because I want to be heard.
I’m just scared to death to do it.
One of my lifelong goals has to become a known writer, possibly published one day. So at 34 years of age, I am making that leap into the world. I am new to the blog world, so I am going to get my feet wet with posting some of my first journal entry writings and go from there!! I look forward to meeting great people with similar goals and interests!
So, this is the beginning of my writing journal. I have been instructed to keep one from the collective self-claimed wisdom of the internet to become a successful beginning writer. I suppose as to an unsuccessful beginning writer in which no one reads my writing or feels it is particularly worthy of being read. My fear of writing is to reach into your body, grasp onto your soul, outreach your hand to a stranger to take it, love it and cherish it as you have.
These strangers simply look at your writing, the soul of you, and say “Eh, no thanks” and walk away.
That would be the singular reason why I am terrified to begin this journey and thus why I have waited the better part of 15 years to begin my writing career.
Which leads to the question,” Why does oneself write? Is it to be heard or is it to hear oneself?”
Hmm, damn, that was quite insightful. Maybe I am working my way up to one of the self-claimed writing internet gods that I so diligently follow! Consequently, I am beginning to feel the “flow” of creativeness starting so maybe I need to stop being facetious and start respecting those opinions of others. They have at least been able to transfer their thoughts into writing while mine are still buried in my mind under years of self-doubt and fear of judgment.